Letters to you

We broke up about two weeks ago, and you said “I still love you, that won’t change” while also telling me “I like her” and that gutted me. I’ve seen what she looks like and it’s the total opposite of me, not only that but she’s older than both of us. I begged you to stay away from her and you never listened. you lied about hanging out with her, then tried to make me feel crazy. I hate you for that, but You were in my life for so long that I don’t think I actually hate you. I think I just hate what you did to me. I am not so sure anymore. and I know I wasn’t perfect and I know I had my flaws but I still loved you, every part of you.

I have spent so long looking at you that I’ve memorized every way you smiled. I have your face engraved in my memory right next to the feeling of home. Actually, I think they are intertwined. I know what your tears sound like and I know how your sadness feels, you became a part of me. Now you’re gone. I will always carry the aftermath of your crime with me, it will never go away. How am I supposed to love someone the way I loved you? How will bare my soul? How will I laugh with my whole being? I don’t want to memorize the way someone feels again. I just wanted it to be you.

Why couldn’t it be me?